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The Milk House

On the Edge of Common Sense: Bob’s Girlfriend Training Company PDF Print E-mail
Columns - Baxter Black
Wednesday, 04 April 2012 10:27

A father has a responsibility to pass along to his male offspring those mechanical, philosophical and verbal skills to attract and select a suitable mate and mother for his future children.

But where can a busy young cowboy begin his search? Craigslist? Ponying horses at the race track? Want ads in the Mounted Shooter magazine?

My friend, I’ll call him Bob, has a busy teenage cowboy growing up in his house. Bob is pondering his son’s future and proposed designing a “Girlfriend Training Enterprise.” It is based on his own horse training and trading business. A typical ad might read:

TEAM ROPERS AND TRAINERS … Need a dolly? Finished Girlfriend Available: 23 years old, fine-boned, plenty of chrome, current driver’s license CDL qualified, some shoeing experience, can warm up the rough ones, has been hauled to USTRC/USTR jackpots and PRCA rodeos, low maintenance, likes Mountain Dew and bologna, can play pitch and has no desire to become a barrel racer.

Bob’s company might expand:

NORWEGIAN BACHELORS AND WEST TEXAS RANCHERS of a certain age. Lonely? Desolate? Starved out? Companion available: Over 30 years old, can dead-lift 200 lbs, has been vaccinated for tetanus, flu, shingles, BSE, Bangs, Anaplaz and the Nile virus. Can make biscuits out of creosote bush, sagebrush or leafy spurge, still knickers and is playful, is a dead-shot and is willing to move.

ATTENTION! PERFECT GIRLFRIEND FOR ITINERATE MUSICIAN AND/OR TRUCK DRIVER: Young, open but has had some pasture exposure, loves your music, is tone deaf, her favorite meal is breakfast at the Waffle House at 1 a.m., can drive (her brother was a moonshiner), can change a tire, go for three days without sleep on nothing but Skoal and Monster drinks. Some would say she has a very friendly nature, everybody in the band, anyway, and she will meet up with you anywhere between Nashville and Williston, North Dakota. Warning: She has been known to prance on occasion.

Well, I admire Bob for his effort to help his son find happiness. These fine examples should give hope to other fathers who are worried about their sons, or Norwegian uncles or brothers-in-law who are still playing gigs at the Holiday Inn at age 48. Thanks, Bob. You should be a social worker!  PD

 

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