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Olympic hopefuls

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 31 March 2016

Have you ever wondered why the Olympic games are held in huge cities around the globe but never in McCool Junction, Nebraska, or Gillies Corners, Ontario?

Well, firstly, neither one of these towns has a traffic light nor an airport, but they do have a Waffle House.

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Secondly, these are farming communities, and the Olympic committee is afraid farmers would put their “mark” on the Olympic games.

I think if farmers were to help in planning of the Olympic games, there would be few minor changes. The opening parade would be mile upon mile of tractors and first place-winning floats from county fairs around the country. It would look like Hee-Haw smacked Mardi Gras.

You want to light the Olympic torch? Listen, if anybody knows how to spark up a fire for an outside event, a farmer can. In fact, the opening ceremony music will be Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire.” Sure, it’s nice to look at flames coming through a huge torch, but you give us enough sheet metal and we’ll turn that torch into a smoker.

Three weeks of games means there will be four weeks of ribs ’cause we always have leftovers. These are our guests, and you always send food home with your guests.

Fishing should be added to the games. I’m not talking about some boring catch-and-release fishing. I’m thinking four-man teams in johnboats spear-fishing – blindfolded. I don’t know what the rules would be, but I’m guaranteeing higher TV ratings.

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A new twist on the archery and marksmanship games would be that the targets would actually move. The disc and shot put would be replaced with cow chips and Interstate truck batteries. At first I thought a drinking game would be added, but then I realized: No matter what the poison, Ireland would always win.

The pole vault has always intrigued me. The coyote could never find a pole long enough to get up to the Road Runner and always smashed himself against the wall. As a kid, I would yell at the TV, “Buy a gun, you idiot!” With that in mind, I would like to change the pole vault bar.

Right now, if the athlete cannot clear the bar, it just falls. I say we weld the pipe in place with a “hot wire,” out of respect for the coyote.

Wrestling is not just limited to humans anymore. If your country has a wrestling bear, alligator or pig, they are welcome. Just remember to clean up after your animal, and don’t leave them unattended. The smoker is running and we have a lot of people to feed so … I’m just saying.

Swimming events will be held in the fishing pond. Contestants are advised to not sound like a fish. And listen, we all know the Kenyans are fast. So this year, the official running shoe of the games will be Muck Boots.

The closing ceremony for the games will be great. Every country represented in the games will put their entire team on a school bus for the grand finale … a school bus figure-eight race. The winner will get bragging rights and a free two-year subscription to Progressive Dairyman.

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As you can tell, I do some event and wedding planning in my spare time. I just got the call yesterday. I will be the official event planner for the “First Annual Chili Cook-Off and Beauty Expo.”  PD

So if any of you need my help, visit me at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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