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Tim Moffett

Tim Moffett is a Florida dairyman and stand-up comedian. Read his humorous take on the dairy industry in his regular column, "The Manure Spreader."

LATEST

A famous Hollywood superstar has just declared their New Year’s resolution was to become a farmer. Said person’s reasoning was to enjoy nature, live off only the food they grow for themselves and live a simpler life.

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Have you ever wonder how Santa Claus can eat 2 million pounds of cookies in a 12-hour period and not end up in a diabetic coma?

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At Thanksgiving dinner, always remember to compliment the chef. Just know that if you compliment your mother-in-law on the “turkey neck,” be sure she knows you meant the actual turkey. Tryptophan in turkey will only make you tired, but a mother-in-law has the ability to “put you to sleep” permanently.

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We all know farming is a gamble. We roll the dice every day. We try to count cards and figure the odds on seed prices to butterfat, or fuel prices to pork bellies, and everything in between.

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Answer me this: Why at “retirement parties” do they give the retiree a new watch? At this point in their lives, do they really need a watch? If there were such a thing as a retirement party for a farmer, and he received a watch, chances are he would shoot the rooster the next day. The rooster didn’t retire, but the hand of the watch terminated his job.

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I felt like my cholesterol was getting too low, so I went to the county fair. Ahh, the smell of cotton candy, corn dogs and port-o-lets. There is nothing like walking down the midway and saying to yourself, “Wow! I don’t look that bad after all.”

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