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Tim Moffett

Tim Moffett is a Florida dairyman and stand-up comedian. Read his humorous take on the dairy industry in his regular column, "The Manure Spreader."

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On my farm, the worst day of the year for milk production is the first day of summer. That’s when the cows have noticed I dragged out the old grill from the barn. Older cows know that grill stays fired up from now ’til Thanksgiving with a short spark on New Year’s and the Super Bowl.

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In the last few months, I have seen newspaper articles about new technology on the farm.

Frankly, I would be happier with some stronger duct tape; that hole in the slurry wagon isn’t going to fix itself. How about an electrical motor that never quits working on holidays? I know – a shovel handle that, when broken, grows back like a lizard’s tail. That would be technology.

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“Ice cream should be in your life, too. What’s more, it’s not even a bad or unhealthy food,” says Dr. Oz. quoted in Time Magazine. From myself and all the other chubby farm kids: We salute you, Dr. Oz. Finally, I have someone who supports my eating habits. Who is this person who supports me? He is a doctor and a wizard.

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There has been a lot of talk about the “Dairy Farm Security Act.” I for one think it is about time we focus on security – because I’m missing a lot of tools.Your first question might be, “Tim, do you own a dog?” Yes, I own a dog, but right now he is not a suspect.

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Someone once asked me, “Tim, what’s the difference between a farmer and a redneck?” It’s simple: As a farmer, I have a truck parked in front of my house. A redneck has a truck parked on blocks in front of his house. If the truck on blocks is your house – you, my friend, are a hillbilly.

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