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The Manure Spreader: ‘12 Days of Christmas’

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 11 December 2017

On the first day of Christmas, my milk check was sent to me. That’s all it was. An official check – with no commas.

On the second day of Christmas, the mailman gave to me: two past-due bills – they both had commas.

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On the third day of Christmas, my neighbor gave to me: three broken milk scales. I loaned him five working scales.

On the fourth day of Christmas, I had four flat tires on my three-wheeler.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my federal milk inspector gave to me: five violations. Five violations written up for the restroom door. I don’t have a door on the barn restroom. That way people don’t disappear in there for hours.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my feed salesman gave to me: six ball caps – and a copy of the past-due bill I already got on the second day of Christmas.

On the seventh day of Christmas, I had seven shots of Seagrams 7. Why? Because the past week has been brutal.

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On the eighth day of Christmas, morning felt like eight drummers drumming in my head. Note to self: next Christmas, drink shots on day three.

On the ninth day of Christmas, nine cows gave to me: new baby calves.

On the 10th day of Christmas, a man gave to me: $10 for all nine Holstein bull calves born the day before. It was a good day.

On the 11th day of Christmas, I was the 11 pipers piping. Broken water lines, busted water heater, and the pressure switch broke on the well. It’s Christmas Eve. You think somebody else is coming out to fix this?

On the 12th day of Christmas, I forgot all about the last two weeks and celebrated Christmas.

In my opinion, the 11 days before Christmas are overrated. I’m planning to just celebrate Christmas Day from now on. I wish you all a very merry Christmas.

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That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.

He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not …
—John 1:9-10  end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit him at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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