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The Manure Spreader: 4th of July questions

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 30 June 2020

Many of you have emailed me in the past about my writing abilities. And I thank you all. Some of you feel sorry for me and have asked if I lived under a power line growing up. And yes, as a matter of fact I did.

Some of you have pointed; Out grammatical and word error”s as if this were a term paper that would decide weather I made it into an Ivyee League college or not. (And that one sentence alone will probably make you blow a gasket.) I refer you back to the power line. And unfortunately, we have lost a few readers along the way; they canceled their subscriptions to Progressive Dairy because I’ve been blamed for “bringing the devil into their homes.” Apparently, some people were born without a sense of humor and do not know the definition of satire.



Recently, I’ve been getting questions from some of y’all for advice. Trust me, I’m as shocked as you are. So I’m going to share with you some of the questions I’ve received along with my answers.

Tim, I’m supposed to bring a vegan-friendly dish to my friend’s Fourth of July picnic. What would you recommend I take? First of all, I didn’t know vegans had friends. I would bring animal crackers. It’s not meat, but it’s the thought that counts.

Hey Tim! What’s the perfect time during the Fourth of July fireworks display to lean in for a kiss? Well caller, if it’s your longtime wife or significant other, kiss them before the whole thing starts. I’m sure they don’t want you bothering them during the fireworks. If it’s a new love interest, kiss ’em right as the show starts to help get the fireworks started. If it’s someone you don’t know, kiss them at the start of the finale. That way everyone is distracted.

Timmy! Our family loves to grill hotdogs on the Fourth of July. What part of the pig are those made from? Yes.

Dear Tim, I did a firework “practice run” on the farm with some Roman candles I bought off the side of the road from a guy in a van. It was a very pretty sight until it hit my fertilizer shed. Now I don’t have a fertilizer shed. What happened? Well, Sparky, fertilizer contains ammonia nitrate or what I like to call “boom poop.”


By the way, was it a white van with “Keep On Truck’n” mud flaps? Did he tell you he “drove all the way to China himself to purchase those one-of-a-kind Roman candles?” Trust me, the Farm Bureau agent won’t care. And don’t tell the agent you were doing research and development on a new methane digester you were building. Also, a shed made of an old school bus roof is not worth the same as a new Morton building. Who knew, right?

P.S.: The Farm Bureau is still investigating on how two four-wheelers, pick-up truck, welder/generator, feed mixer wagon and a 72-inch flat-screen television could all fit into a 10-by-12-foot shed and blow up to where there is literally no debris whatsoever of their existence. I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around how it all happened, too. Good luck.

Keep the questions coming. I wish you all a safe and happy Independence Day.  end mark

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