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The Manure Spreader: Aging well

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 24 August 2020

Every day, we get older – but it’s better than the alternative. They say wisdom comes with age, but so does arthritis, slower movement and the walking farts.

Billions of dollars are spent every year to combat wrinkles alone. I know how to get rid of wrinkles. Eat another cupcake. You ever seen a chubby person with wrinkles?

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Recently, I saw an old friend I haven’t seen in many years. The first thing he said was: “Wow! You haven’t aged a bit. Time has been good to you.” Well, first off, that’s because I eat a lot of cupcakes. But secondly, I know exactly what he was thinking in his head when he said that: “Dang, Tim. I thought with your eating habits and non-daily workout routine, you’d have been dead a long time ago.”

We all age differently. I believe it has to do with genetics, stress, personal habits and pop culture. Tim, I understand the first three, but why pop culture? Well, things we do when we are young will make us look different as we age. For example, during high school, my friend got an eagle tattoo on his bicep. Now he’s 53. The eagle on his forearm now looks like a 12-pound Butterball turkey that was hit by a lawnmower.

When you’re young and you think it’s cool to get your lip, nose, tongue and eyebrow pierced while putting a disc in your ears, think again. Wait ’til age and gravity kick in. Every time you sneeze, it will sound like wind chimes in a tornado.

My uncle always refers to himself as aging like a fine wine. His wife says he has aged like a fine wine, in the sun, with the cap open, like vinegar. If you’re going to be one of those people, like my uncle, who compares yourself to something as you age, here are some things that have not or will not age well. And you might do well to not use these as examples: bananas, dance moves, New Year’s resolutions, mustaches, yearbook photos, the Dixie Chicks, the Ford Pinto, my uncle Lou’s liver, knock-knock jokes, dreadlocks, Crocs, Elvis, headcheese, the pet rock, the Cleveland Browns, Dollar General toilet paper, turtleneck sweaters, Jazzercize, Richard Simmons’ shorts, the metric system, leather pants, gym memberships and anything from the 1980s.

Live as long as you can and make the best of it. Nobody gets a do-over. In fact, my grandpa lived to be 102 years old. For the last 52 years of his life, he ate gunpowder in his grits for breakfast every morning. When he was cremated, he blew a hole in the side of the funeral home. That’s how we should all go out.

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“Getting older is tough. I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.” Author old and unknown. end mark

Check out Tim’s new channel “ASK A FARMER” on YouTube.

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