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The Manure Spreader: Bald eagle

By Tim the Dairy Farmer Published on 27 November 2019

I remember the first time I ever saw a man with a toupee! Our family was coming out of church on a windy Sunday.

A gust of wind came by; I just happened to look over and there was a man whose entire head of hair was peeled back from his forehead to his ears, and it was sticking straight-up in the air! I had just watched “The Lone Ranger and Tonto” before church, so imagine how this freaked me out! My mom tried to control me and the questions I had.

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Mom: “It’s a wig for men.”

Me: “That looks nothing like grandma’s wig!”

Mom: “Tim, quit staring at him.”

Me: “I can’t! I think that’s our missing barn cat!”

On a different note, as a comedian I’ve done stand-up comedy in a lot of places. Barns, bars, churches, restaurants, flat-bed trailers, fairs, casinos, family reunions, boats, hotels, comedy clubs and even out back by a dumpster. Not too long ago a comedy buddy of mine asked me to do a show with him on a particular date, and I was available so, naturally I said sure. I’ve done hundreds of shows with this friend over the last nearly 20 years. I didn’t question his judgment and didn’t even ask him where the gig was. The date came and he told me he would pick me up and drive us to the show. I got in the van and for some reason just assumed we were performing at a restaurant or country club, which we do frequently. Like Mom always said, “Never assume!” We pulled up to this gorgeous guard shack with 12-foot walls around this entire what had to be 75-acre place. I could see condos, golf course, big homes, tennis courts and three pools. I remember saying to my friend, “Wow! This is a nice golf course country club.” He said nothing. We walked up to the event center and an elderly man greeted us at the door to instruct us where to go. All this elderly man was wearing was a pair of flip-flops and a red Hawaiian shirt. We were doing comedy for 400 people in a clothing-optional resort. My jaw dropped; my friend is practically on the floor dying from my surprise. I’m thinking, “Where’s the camera? I always wanted to be on Candid Camera!” Listen, I don’t judge people for their lifestyles and what they do for fun, as long as no one is getting hurt. If you want to know what this resort was like, just imagine going to Wal-Mart and everyone you see is naked. So, the old wive’s tale of public speaking, “Just pretend they’re naked” doesn’t even remotely work. I saw things that day that I’m still in therapy for.

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Why would you tell us that story, Tim? Because I made this one old naked guy laugh so hard his toupee stood straight up on his head like shag carpet on a wall! Sometimes things do come full-circle.

Visit Tim or hire him to entertain at your next meeting at Tim's website

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