A dairy farmer cries fowl. This is an open letter to all my chicken farmer friends. That would be you, Kevin. I’m not saying there aren’t a lot of chicken farmers; I’m just saying I don’t have a lot of friends.
Enough with naming the chicken three or four different things. Free-range chicken – that’s just a chicken that’s a little chubby and can’t wander away from the big fence. You know what we call a free-range cow? Missing. In the cattle industry, we have a dairy cow and a beef cow, and they both end up on a plate sooner or later.
So stop with all the name-calling. I was in the grocery store the other day, and I saw all types of chicken for sale. Organic, free-range, grass-fed and cage-free – which I think is mean because Nicholas Cage is a very underestimated actor. Every chicken should watch Con Air at least once. What’s next? Hand-fed, massaged, Kobe chicken?
What about the chickens that don’t have fancy adjectives describing them? Are they the ones in the can next to the tuna? Let me guess, you’re actually afraid to tell people how boring chickens really are. One could say you’re actually what we’d call being a little … chicken?
The common phrase “tastes like chicken” is wrong because nobody eats chicken in its natural state. For instance, curry chicken. Oh, great. They won’t eat a cow, but now they’re putting curry on chickens. Chicken fingers. What? I’ve never seen a chicken hold a pencil. (OK, you gotta admit, that joke was worth waiting for.) Beer-can chicken. Who was the person who decided to shove a beer can up … you know what, people?
And I mean no disrespect to our military but, c’mon Colonel, how many different ways can you fry up a chicken? Kentucky fried, Nashville hot, Georgia gold, crispy, extra crispy … good grief. Last week I had a piece and chipped a tooth.
And now ya’ll are trying to move in on breakfast. Listen, the Belgians started by putting ice cream on a waffle. What did the waffle do wrong? Nobody ever mentions chicken and pancakes. And seriously, an egg and chicken biscuit? What’s next? Caviar on my Filet-o-Fish or a hamburger topped with a Rocky Mountain oyster?
Yes, my feathers are ruffled ’cause I’m a little afraid it won’t be long before chicken farmers start moving into the “dairy market” like the bean, rice and nut people have. I mean, you’ve already got “cream of chicken.” How long before somebody decides to start up a herd of milking chickens? At least it would give the chicken a better reason for crossing the road.
Chicken legs have become the best-selling and most profitable part of the chicken recently, so the chicken farmer started raising three-legged chickens. When asked by a local newspaper on how well the chickens were selling and how well they tasted, the farmer’s reply was, “I don’t know. I can’t catch ’em!” 
Tim the Dairy Farmer’s comedy album “Farm Raised” is now available on iTunes, Amazon, Google Play or, for more details, visit online (Tim the Dairy Farmer).
