It’s Christmas time. ’Tis the season to be jolly. I want all of you to be as jolly as possible. So, naturally, I have some tips to help ya’ll get through the holiday season unscathed.
The first order of business during the holidays is finding a Christmas tree. The best Christmas tree cutting I ever did was up there in the rainforest – right before they took everything. I got the last big one they had, and I had of a heck of time getting it home on the boat. But, dang.
It came with monkeys and everything. There was actually a group of indigenous people living in the tree which no one had ever seen before. I put them in my nativity scene.
When it comes to re-gifting, I always draw a map to document who gave me what, and I never re-gift a gift within a 50-mile radius of the person I received the gift from. And if you’re debating what to get your niece or nephew for Christmas, I recommend a musical instrument they can enjoy all year long.
It doesn’t have to be expensive, just something that creates slow, monotonous, painful noises like Chinese torture to the ears of your sister.
If you happen to be with a new love interest this Christmas, choosing a gift can always be a little daunting since it is your first Christmas as a couple. My suggestion is not to buy her anything too extravagant. ’Cause, remember, if this relationship lasts another 60 days you’re gonna have to re-up for Valentine’s Day.
Take it from your buddy Tim, don’t go with a gift that’s too small. You want something that impresses her enough to keep her around but not enough to raise her expectations.
One Christmas, I had to improvise to make mistletoe. I used garlic. I killed three vampires. Bam!
You might ask, “Tim, what kind of treats should I leave Santa when he comes by the house?” Well kids, you need to know your Santa. Some Santas are gluten-free, and some Santas are lactose-intolerant. This Santa likes Kentucky bourbon. Neat. No ice. The only problem with that is: Sometimes when you come downstairs Christmas morning, Santa is still there.
And who are these people making duck for Christmas? Nobody makes duck for Christmas dinner. In fact, nobody makes duck for any dinner. This is the United States of America, not the Kung Pow Province during the Korean War. And remember this, eating at Christmas dinner is like real estate. It’s all about location, location, location.
You wanna be sitting in the middle of the table where the food starts. The food is hot, and you don’t have to worry about seconds; it’s right in front of you, just pile it on. And remember, you don’t want to sit next to the smelly uncle or your very talkative aunt. The less attention drawn to you and the size of your plate, the better off you are.
My advice for Christmas goes out to all of you, but this last bit of advice goes specifically to my nearest neighbor. Dear neighbor, Christmas decorations are for Christmas. So here are the rules.
You can put them up two days after Thanksgiving but, on December 26, I maintain the right to pull out a .22 and start shooting anything that blinks, lights up, shakes or goes Ho! Ho! Ho!! And if it’s on the roof, surface-to-air missiles are allowed. “Up on the housetop, click, click, bang!” 
Have a very merry Christmas, everybody. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season.
Hey! If you like my column then you’ll love my new comedy album “Farm Raised” produced by Larry the Cable Guy. It’s out now on Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Google Play and everywhere. Or visit Tim the Dairy Farmer
