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The Manure Spreader: Costume party

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 18 October 2016

I will never understand people’s obsession with costumes. I was invited to a costume party a while back, and when asked what I was going to come as, I replied, “A sexy farmer.” To which, my friend asked me: “Why?”

I said it was that or a unicorn – since neither one exists, and I am pretty sure neither one is going to your party.

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City folk friends of mine who, ironically, are attending the same costume party wanted to know what I thought of their new costume … for their dog. They were just tickled pink about the idea of dressing up their miniature poodle named Thor as a bunny rabbit.

Dressing a dog up as a pink bunny rabbit. (People, take a minute away from this article if you need to.) Yes, that’s right, they are dressing an animal up as another animal.

This couple is so proud of the fact that they have their own little four-legged “Build-A-Bear” project. As if being a “miniature” isn’t harmful enough to this dog’s ego already, now they want to change his species. Why don’t they just put his face on a Wheaties box and see what happens. They asked me, “Won’t Thor look so cute?” No. No, he won’t.

Thor is going to look like you guys have lost your marbles and should seriously seek some professional help. In your crazy heads, Thor is going to be the hit of the party and might even win the costume contest. But to a hawk, poor little pink, fuzzy floppy-eared Thor is going to look like dinner. In this case, it would be “carry-out.” Actually, it would be more like “carry-away.”

Look, it’s not like I know this dog, but I have to think he is starting to acquire some real self-esteem issues from this family. In the past, they’ve put Thor in a tux to be a ring bearer at a wedding; last Thanksgiving, they dressed him up as a pilgrim. On the Fourth of July he was Uncle Sam, and at the dog park, during the Arbor Day Celebration, he nearly had a stroke dressed up as a fire hydrant.

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Has anyone asked Thor what he thinks about all these costume changes in his life? I imagine the answer would be, “Listen, Tim, if I worked at Disney or lived in Vegas that would be one thing, but even in dog years this is getting old. I’m just glad I’m not a cat. I’d have to do this nine times as long.” Except it would be in a French accent because he is a poodle.

People, please remember when choosing the right costume for the party, I ask you please be considerate of others’ feelings. Because when you paint yourself green and dress up as the Hulk, all we see is Shrek.  end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Have him at your next event. Tim Moffett Agricultural comedian, speaker and farmer.

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