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The Manure Spreader: Cow-Fucius say

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 28 September 2018

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
—Socrates

Confucius was a Chinese teacher and philosopher. One of his famous quotes says, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

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So basically the fact I know I’ll never be on Jeopardy makes me smart. I’ll take “Meat That Comes In A Can” for $200, Alex.

I’ve breathed in (and let out) a lot of methane gas over the years. Maybe that’s where all my wisdom comes from. This column is called The Manure Spreader. Before I get too old to remember how intelligent I was, I need to share with ya’ll some deep intellectual thoughts that would only be printed on a coffee mug.

  • A comma means to pause, but two commas mean you’re either rich or really, really broke.

  • He who runs with bulls left the gate open.

  • Utilization is always 100 percent for spilled milk.

  • A.I. is the abbreviation for “No Bull.”

  • Make hay today while the tractor still runs.

  • Roots and rocks always make digging fun.

  • Teach a man to fish, and he can feed his family, but teach a man to farm, and he will probably need to buy a boat.

  • The grass is always greener closer to the septic tank.

  • Hold a seashell to your ear, and you can hear the ocean. Hold a cow pie to your ear, and you’ll have a chip on your shoulder.

  • Unlike a politician, a flat tire is never full of hot air.

  • When a windmill breaks, does that mean it broke wind?

  • We know God was not a vegetarian because he created woman from a prime rib.

  • If corn farmers are all ears, why do they never listen?

  • Milk Checkoff will not keep a milk check on.

  • A woman scorned will always … yeah, I ain’t touching that one.

  • Equipment only breaks when you have other plans.

  • Heifer weight gain is much quicker in a Golden Corral.

  • Spandex has limits.

  • If cotton farmers are soft, and almond farmers are nuts, then tomato farmers are always trying to ketchup.

  • Tofu was Kung Fu’s smelly, slimy brother.

  • A penny saved is worth more than my two cents.

  • You can lead a horse to water, but the horse is still like an ungrateful kid who lives with you ’til they’re 35.

  • Why do today what you should have done two weeks ago?

  • Family reunions are one of God’s ways of disciplining us.

  • If you smell something, it’s probably too late. end mark

Hey! If you like my column, then you’ll love my new comedy album Farm Raised, produced by Larry the Cable Guy. It’s out now on Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Google Play and everywhere. Or visit Tim the Dairy Farmer .

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