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The Manure Spreader: Crazy town

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 24 May 2019

Doing what I do, I get the awesome opportunity to travel all over North America trying to make all kinds of farmers laugh. Some places I perform, crowds are much more reserved.

I say reserved … I might just be talking too fast, using vowels and completing all my sentences, which might be hard for them to follow. The majority of the crowds are with me for the long haul and laugh harder than I’d ever imagine. Occasionally, I fly into a big city and perform at a huge hotel near the airport. But, for the most part, I fly into a little airport and drive a couple of hours to smaller towns. That’s where this article begins.

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I would like to think the early settlers of what we now know as civilization were smart intellectuals with a vision for the future. Maybe they had great philosophical discussions about what life would be like for future generations and how they as city councilpeople and township directors would leave their legacy behind for the rest of society. Not! Not a chance in Hells Halfacre, Kentucky.

Tim! How could you? That’s the name of a real town in Kentucky. I’ve driven through there. Our predecessors were pranksters. Think this is just a one-time thing? Nope. This country is filled with thousands of crazy-named towns. How would you like to be the chief of police in Nimrod, Minnesota? Or own a beauty salon in Possum Grape, Arkansas? These next three states aren’t even close to each other, so know this wasn’t just a regional joke. Gas, Kansas; Slickpoo, Idaho; and Mud Butte, South Dakota. I can’t make this stuff up.

Georgia has some of the greatest town names. I’m thinking the tourism board tried to help naming these towns to give the state a name for itself. Like Empress, Georgia – impress spelled with an “E,” that sounds more intelligent. Experiment, Georgia – like, we’re not sure if this state is gonna work, but this is what we have. Finally, Hopeulikit, Georgia – come visit Georgia; we have a great personality. My home state of Florida has even made the top 10 with LuLu, Waldo and Yee Haw Junction, Florida. At this point, I’m starting to realize why Prohibition was started.

You know you’re a Buckeye fan when you live in Knockemstiff or Crooksville, Ohio.

There is a town in California that was named Rough and Ready. It was named after the mining company that was in that area during the late 1800s. More recently, the town’s name has been changed to describe the new inhabitants of that area. The town is now called Snowflake and Safe Space. Bam.

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Seriously, you know the guy who’s in charge of shipping at Amazon is wondering if someone is playing a prank on him when he starts seeing shipments to Ding Dong, Texas; Accident, Maryland; Lick Skillet, Tennessee; Chugwater, Wyoming; or Santa Clause, Indiana.

Someday I think I’m going to move, only so everyone who mails me a bill has to send it to my address in Tightwad, Missouri.  end mark

Get Tim’s comedy album or your own “COWFARTT” T-shirt at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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