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The Manure Spreader: Cupid alert

Contributed by Tim Moffett Published on 05 February 2016

There are three things every man should never forget: his wife’s birthday, their wedding anniversary or Valentine’s Day. Forget any one of the links in the chain, and no matter what you do for the other two, you’re toast. Sure, she might tell you it’s not important, and don’t bother to get her anything.

It’s a test. A very important test. Fail the test, and you could be eating burnt pot roast for a while with your new “in-law” house guest of her choice for the summer.

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Now, I do not claim to be Rico Suave; that’s why they invented 1-800-FLOWERS. If you decide to go this route, do your homework. Don’t just say you need flowers sent. Be specific. My uncle asked the florist to send something large and economical to my aunt on her birthday.

He had flowers sent to her place of work, thinking this would make him a few brownie points. “Large and on a budget” was a leftover funeral arrangement reef. She actually re-used the reef at his funeral later that week – just before her trial.

Chocolate is the way to any woman’s good side. Willy Wonka is one of the happiest men in the world for a reason. He invented the Golden Ticket. Godiva, Lindt and Hershey’s are the top three, which mean you care.

I have seen women complain about those heart-shaped boxes full of assorted chocolates from CVS – only to read the chart while eating the good ones and trash the rest. They may complain at first, but a woman cannot throw an entire box of chocolates away and still sleep at night. Never, never, never ever buy a woman low-fat chocolate, yogurt-covered anything or an edible fruit arrangement in the place of milk chocolate.

If you do, you may as well have bought her a six-pack of Slim-Fast. You wouldn’t be able to recover from that even with all the Golden Tickets in Hershey Park, Candy Land.

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I know another way to a women’s heart is through clothes shopping. Stay away from this area and just give her the credit card for the day. Just because you can pick out a shirt to match your jeans does not give you the ability to host an episode of Say Yes To The Dress.

Women’s fashion is as complicated as Chinese arithmetic written in Spanish. If you can see a woman and automatically know her dress size, shoe size and whether or not she is a summer, spring or winter – you, my friend, have a rainbow sticker on your car.

A nice dinner out can save the day if you forgot to get flowers or chocolate. The emphasis on dinner is “out” – away from home prepared by someone other than you. This is not the occasion for your special chili recipe or your famous venison tacos. If you want to end the relationship, I would highly recommend telling her the reason you chose this particular eating establishment is because you have coupons.

Men, I have given you the best advice I know when it comes to matters of the heart. Kinda like the blind leading the blind, so I leave you with this poem:

Roses are red, violets are blue; I’ve given you my two cents, now it’s up to you.  PD

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian.

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