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The Manure Spreader: Dear Santa

Tim Moffet Published on 11 December 2015

Have you ever wonder how Santa Claus can eat 2 million pounds of cookies in a 12-hour period and not end up in a diabetic coma?

I think in the off-season he must train by entering a lot of pie-eating contests. If Mrs. Claus ever makes him go gluten-free, he’s done. And who is his medical care provider? If I ever walked into the doctor’s office with cheeks that red, why, they’d want to check me into an AA meeting or perform heart surgery on me in the waiting room.

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I realize at my age I’m probably too old to write a letter to Santa, but I’m also entering the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. So let’s see who shows up at my door now. Here is a copy of my recent letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

I hope things are better for you in the North Pole. We’ve been told that “climate change” is melting your home so fast you might have to rent a place in Russia.

Thank you for the early present this year. I got my milk check, and it actually had a comma.

I really wish you would open your own package delivery service company. I’m always amazed at the resources and knowledge you have to deliver presents to every town, village or home in the world on Christmas Eve. Yet, I order a set of bearings from a company one state away, pay extra for “next-day air,” and it still takes three weeks to get it. Maybe if I start to leave milk and sugar cookies out for the UPS and FedEx drivers I would get my stuff sooner.

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Another question I have is what kind of maintenance schedule do you have on your sled? Where did you buy that thing, and is it available in four-wheel drive? Everything I own breaks down the day before I’m leaving for a trip or on Christmas Eve. Maybe you could also open up a machine shop, ’cause I can’t seem to get anybody to repair anything from the first day of deer season to the NCAA college football championship game the first week of January.

I’d like to hire some elves. Are they documented? We do have some elves in my area, but they all live in a tree and only make cookies.

I’ve always wondered this about Rudolph’s red nose: It’s been red for years. Is that the same as the red “check engine” light in my truck?

I really think you should run for political office. They say there is no such thing as Santa Claus, but then again, there is also no such thing as an honest politician. What have you got to lose?

When you stop by this year, if I’m not home, it’s ’cause I’ll be drinking eggnog with the Easter bunny and spending my Publishers Clearing House check.

—Tim

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I wish you all a very merry Christmas! May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope (Romans 15:13).  PD

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and stand-up comedian. Check him out at his website.

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