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The Manure Spreader: Farmer Santa

Contributed by Tim Moffett Published on 12 December 2016

If Santa were a farmer, people might actually believe their food came from somewhere other than the grocery store.

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been torn. Now, I don’t want to break anyone’s ideas or tell you Santa actually does or doesn’t exist, but what always makes me curious is: Do you think Santa could be a farmer or not?

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A part of me, the part that still believes in unicorns, thinks Santa could be a farmer. Think about it. He lives in the middle of nowhere surrounded by a workforce that speaks a different language. Nobody actually sees the work he puts into things; they only see the product at the end. Santa could be a farmer.

We only see him once a year, and he is always wearing the same thing, kind of like my Uncle Earl in his white “church-going” leisure suit. And another thing, Santa uses so many different names: Santa Claus, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas. I mean, are these just subsidiary companies used for tax write-offs?

I know my granny had a raspberry farm for four years, and a Polish diplomat who was excommunicated to Costa Rica owned it, according to the paperwork. You know Santa has some farmer characteristics when, as broke as he is, he still takes a trip around the world buying “toys” for work the last week of the year to keep from paying taxes.

Come to think of it, Santa is part rancher, part farmer. He is growing mint cane, raising reindeer and mining coal up there in the North Pole. I just have to say: The cookouts those elves have must be magical. Reindeer ribs and cookies. What could be tastier than that?

On the other hand, I don’t think Santa is a farmer – because he gives a lot of stuff away for free, and it’s not even used. We all know a farmer will only give away something for free if it ain’t his or there is no chance of fixing it.

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And what farmer’s wife would let him go out all night with just his elf buddies? Nobody!

And the whole thing of, “I was just having milk and cookies.” Go ahead and try that story next time you get home late from your buddy’s shop. Let me know how that works out for ya.

If Santa were really a farmer, fruitcake would be illegal to bake, buy or give away unless it was for an in-law. And the whole idea of reindeer flying 24 hours without a break? PETA would be all over that.

The bad press alone would put Santa out of business. If by chance he didn’t get grounded, the EPA would be all over his jolly sleigh wanting to know where all the reindeer waste and fumes went. Personally, I think he drops it in Deerfield, New Hampshire.

Although I have still not convinced myself whether Santa is a farmer or not, I do know he exists, and his sled is in the shop. I saw him leaving the shopping mall in a Honda Civic.  end mark

I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas. Matthew 1:23

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Visit Tim Moffett online .

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