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The Manure Spreader: Farmer smarts

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 18 January 2019

We would all like to think we are smart in our own right. Some of us are smarter at some things and not so smart at other things. I’m pretty good with plumbing projects, but you don’t want me to be your gastroenterologist.

Willie Nelson might be a great singer, but I don’t think you want him making brownies for the church social.

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As farmers, I’d like to think we are all, as a whole, a fairly intellectual group. There are a handful of universities that offer degrees in agriculture, but most of the stuff we learn is by chance, mistakes or from our relatives. Growing up on a farm, we’ve all heard those quotable phrases from our elders about being smart. Like “Knowledge is light and easy to carry,” “Work with your head and not your back,” and “Way to go, manure for brains.”

We are supposed to learn from elders. I remember building things with my grandpa, who was a woodworker and self-taught carpenter. He would always tell me, “Measure twice and cut once. It’s always easier to cut more off than to add it back on.” This coming from a man who was missing three fingers. And my answer was always, “And I suppose you meant to cut all three fingers off at the same time.”

The apple never falls far from the tree. So if you ever feel like you couldn’t be the valedictorian of the GED class, it’s not your fault. How were you to get your homework done when your parents made you watch shows like Dallas, Magnum P.I., and The Dukes of Hazzard? Drama, intellect and culture at its finest.

Sometimes, if you want the gene pool to go up a notch in the brains department, you might need to bring in some outside help. My cousin Mark was homeschooled along with his pet goat. The goat graduated top of the class. In Mark’s defense, there was an age difference between him and the animal. The goat was an “old goat,” and Mark was just a kid. Bam!

A farmer was in a bad accident and needed a brain transplant. His wife goes to the brain donor company to purchase a new brain for her husband. The salesman points to several jars on a shelf containing new brains for her husband. “This here is the brains of a doctor, and they are $1,200 an ounce.”

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“Wow,” she says.

“These are the brains of a lawyer, and they are $1,400 an ounce,” the salesman says.

“Oh my,” the farmer’s wife says. “Don’t you have any brains for a farmer?”

He takes her in the back room and shows her a jar. “These are farmer brains, and they are $8,000 an ounce.”

“Goodness gracious. Why are the farmers’ brains so expensive?” she asks.

Salesman replies, “Lady, you know how many farmers it takes to get an ounce of brains?” I heard that joke from a dairy farmer in Idaho. Keep the jokes coming, people. Keep milk’n it!  end mark

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Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian (Tim the Dairy Farmer). He has a new comedy album out and needs followers on Twitter @TimDairyFarmer

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