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The Manure Spreader: Farmer superheroes

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 19 October 2017

Farmers, as a group, have been misrepresented. People who watch TV think farmers just sit in front of a peanut bucket while whittling a stick and talking about local gossip. Now, some of my best friends gossip. In fact, old Milt was telling me he saw Billy down by the grain bins ... I digress.

Growing up, I watched Green Acres. I never understood how those people were always dressed in suits and ties, high heels and skirts, and in their Sunday church clothes, yet never got dirty. Thanks to the Mr. Ed show, my brother spent a couple years in therapy after telling his teacher animals talked to him.

It’s no wonder people don’t understand us. They think we all keep the farm animals in our house. But what city folk don’t know is the fact that, as kids, we were lucky if our own parents let us in the house.

As a farm kid, the only farmer we had to look up to was “Mr. Green Jeans” from the Captain Kangaroo show. Of course, there was always the “Jolly Green Giant.” Ho, ho, ho. A vegetable-loving giant who stole Santa Claus’ catchphrase.

Farmers need a superhero. So I’ve come up with some realistic farmer-superhero and not-so-superhero names with descriptions. Just so you know, some of these are only fictional characters. Don’t spend all day trying to look these people up on Facebook to come help you.

“Farmer Stud.” His superpower would be able to tell the weather six months out. He could smell the ground and give you the nitrogen level as well as fight off bill collectors and creditors.

Junk Collector.” This guy is the man when it comes to getting you by in a pinch. He would be best described as “MacGyver’s” uncle. His farm is loaded with junk parts, wore-out tractors, gears, augers and 100 years of yard sale finds. If you’re broke down on Christmas Eve, this is the guy to call.

“Quilting Queen.” One of our female superheroes. On any given day, she could have broken Martha Stewart out of prison, but she didn’t. The “Quilting Queen” makes quilts, of course, but she can also repair a deflated cake or thicken up gravy with a snap of her fingers. Her superpower of choice is making a casserole out of leftovers.

“Methane Man.” Not a superhero, just my uncle’s nickname.

“Milk Dud Person.” Once again, not a superhero. This is the dairy farmer you always count on the federal inspector to visit before your farm in order to make you look better.

“Farmer’s Wife” aka “Mom.” This is the meanest, toughest, smartest, nicest, smack you down in a flash, make you laugh, make your life miserable, feed you, starve you, love you, kill you, patch your underwear, doctor you up, make you look good, embarrass you with baby pictures and versatile superhero of them all.

So even if you don’t possess any superhuman strengths, just do your best. You never know who might be looking up to you.  end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit him at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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