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The Manure Spreader: Fast-paced

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 11 September 2017

With the fall season just around the corner, I reflect back on memories from the summer. Your first thought might be that I took a vacation. Nope. Growing up, our family never went on vacations.

In fact, when I was a youngster, I asked my uncle what a vacation was. He replied, “A vacation is the two-week period between the day you finally pay off the farm and when you die of old age.”

My memories of this past summer are probably similar to most. Most notably, it was hot. I don’t believe in this global warming thing. I just think I’m getting older and wimpier. In a few more summers, I’ll be old enough to use that phrase, “Well, back in my day …”

I had a few shows at some festivals and fairs this summer. I think about those shows every time I try to fit into my skinny jeans. I’m about two more fried Snickers bars away from an angioplasty. With all the new health regulations, a calorie count has to be posted on everything we eat.

Could someone please tell me what a calorie is? And why is it considered a measurement? All I know is, I must like calories because all the best things to eat at the fairs are loaded with them.

If a calorie is such a good measurement tool, why aren’t we using calories as currency? We could call it fat cash. And bank tellers would be called calorie counters. Too far? Yes, this is your brain on calorie overload. The entire time, health inspectors are worried about calories at the fair. Meanwhile, there is a can of Raid on every table to kill flies from the livestock barn – which is 20 feet away.

I know I’ve talked about fairs before, but I am always amazed at the things I see. For instance, tractor pulls. Why do I need a 747 jet engine on my tractor? To show up my neighbor, of course. Sure, you have to wear a helmet, a fire suit and only farm in a straight line, but I’m not gonna make any money this year anyway, so why not have fun doing it?

And then there are the school bus races. Farmers actually support school bus races over tractor pulls because tractors are expensive – and school buses are owned and maintained by the county. Here again, why do we need fast school buses? Because we don’t want our kids away from the farm too long.

They have chores to do. And if I have to do all their chores, how can I finish working on my jet-engine Case? Priorities, people.

As if there isn’t enough high-calorie, high-powered entertainment already at these events, we can’t leave out the lawnmower races. Lawnmowers races aren’t just a version of “Pimp My Ride.” I have a yard to cut. I have a 200-acre yard, and I wanna be done in time to watch the game too. I need a lawn mower with a V-10 engine.

You would think with all this fast equipment, farmers would finish their work so quickly they would have time for a vacation.  end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit him at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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