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The Manure Spreader: Gift giving

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 11 December 2020
Tim Moffett

’Tis the season to be jolly. The holidays are upon us. Which means all the great things we love and loathe about Christmas are in full effect.

Rather than writing a wonderful Christmas poem or story to make you feel warm and fuzzy about the holidays, I would rather do my part in giving you some recommendations and helpful hints to keep the season jolly.

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I’m assuming some of you might be seeing some friends and relatives for the first time since the election. Maybe these people have decided to come out of their “safe spaces” to celebrate Christmas. As much as you’d like to seat these people at the kids table, be gentle with these types. I would recommend serving gluten- and alcohol-free eggnog so as to not irritate them in any way.

Speaking of gifts: There are good gifts and bad gifts. A good gift is something that can be exchanged if it doesn’t fit. A bad gift is anything made from yarn. One Christmas, I received a crochet toilet paper roll cover that held four rolls and looked like a flower with a butterfly on top. I no longer have it. My cousin Mark from Iowa came over, and there were no more rolls in the flower. He used the butterfly.

Here are some suggestions if you happen to be attending a Christmas party which is doing a “white elephant” or “Yankee exchange”: expired gift cards, empty can of Fix-o-Flat, pickles, one shoe, Dean Foods book Guide to Financial Freedom, an eight-track tape of Air Supply, Martha Stewart’s book Prison Decorating Ideas, box of old keys, fruitcake, Cleveland Browns key chain, used coloring book, empty ketchup bottle, a pineapple, last year’s calendar or a crochet toilet paper roll cover with flowers and missing butterfly.

Fellas, if you’re looking to end your current relationship status, here are the worst gifts to buy your wife or girlfriend: a nose/ear hair trimmer, stretch mark cream, Cooking for Dummies, bathroom scale, new vacuum, subscription to Weight Watchers, anything your mom helped you pick out, laundry detergent, a specific self-help book, Hillary Clinton’s new book, mud flaps, new pig feeder, tractor parts, stuffed animals, Spanx, Clairol hair dye, fanny pack, Richard Simmons’ Jazzercize DVDs, a pet ferret or shaving cream.

Lastly, ladies: As men, we are always happy with anything you get us. It’s safer for us that way.

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I know it’s not all about the gifts, but there is something priceless about watching the look on my cousin Mark’s face when he unwraps a toilet plunger.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas!

Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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