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The Manure Spreader: Hearing crickets

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 17 January 2020

There are two places that I cannot stand to hear crickets. One is outside my bedroom window when I’m trying to sleep. And second is in a room of 500 people that I just told a joke to.

Which brings me to the game called cricket. If you’re not familiar with the game, it’s England’s version of baseball. If you ever get the chance to watch a game of cricket, you will find out what I mean by hearing crickets. In my opinion, it’s right up there with a game of curling, crochet or a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

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In other news, crickets are soon to replace pork, beef, chicken and fish as the next best and greatest protein of human consumption in the grocery store. You heard that right. Yes, cricket powder – made of dehydrated and ground-up crickets – is being used to replace flour in baking, whey protein in protein shakes and tuna casserole in school cafeteria lunches. OK, I made that last one up.

Why is everyone so surprised this has happened? How many bugs have we eaten in our lives on the farm? Millions! Walking through the barn at night without a flashlight – how many spiderwebs have we choked on? Bush-hogging pastures in the summer was always a great way to fill up on grasshoppers and gnats. The best bugs were always the ones that somehow made it into your mouth through your nose. I think I’ve swallowed at least 10 pounds of flies every time we hauled manure. Every time my grandpa would break wind, he would tell us that he had just swallowed a stink bug at lunch. Of course, my comment was, “Stink bugs must be in the water ’cause this doesn’t just happen after lunch.”

That’s a little re-cap of what I see out here in the food world.

Remember, this is just my opinion. So don’t be calling or writing letters to the editor of this magazine telling them Tim the Dairy Farmer has lost his mind, and I want to cancel my subscription. This article is written by a farmer that is also a stand-up comic. That’s me. This article is called “The Manure Spreader” – it’s not Dear Abby or Dr. Phil. Nothing I write should ever be taken literally or be nominated for an Oscar.

But they just came out with the Impossible Whopper. Their slogan is “100% Whopper 0% Beef.” It’s a plant- and who-knows-what-else-based meat. Which is crazy because how can you call something meat that has no meat in it? I guess the same way a plant can lactate. Anywho, now we have a vegetable “substance” on a bun. We now want protein from insects. Here is the million-dollar idea: We grow vegetables and legumes without insect or bug repellant, use a combine to cut and scoop up all the plants and insects, put it in a blender, run it through a patty machine and call it the “Jiminy Cricket” burger. No applause, please.  end mark

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