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The Manure Spreader: Heat stress

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 18 July 2018

News flash! It’s hot again today. You know what? I’ll bet you a dollar it’s gonna be hot again tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the … all the way up to about Sept. 22.

It’s what we call “summer.” Summer is an old Indian name meaning “hot as hell.” And, apparently, this global warming thing is really popular this time of year. Scientists say it’s 1/1000th of a degree warmer this century than it was during the dinosaur times. That’s why they all died. I know when I see the weather is going to be 102ºF instead of 102.0001ºF I always grab a sweater on my way out the door.

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We all have different techniques for beating the summertime heat. Choosing the right clothing for summer is always an easy choice. Myself, I always go with the big hat, sleeveless shirt and silky dove shorts. Summertime dress code is always casual, and not all of us can pull off the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

However, there is nothing sexier in the summer than a farmer in his homemade cut-off jean shorts and rubber boots.

I’m not talking about Daisy Dukes here. I’m talking about the guy who looks like he tailored his new jean shorts with a pocket knife and a pair of vise-grips. These type of designer shorts always have one pant leg which is about 6 inches longer than the other, yet short enough the pockets still hang out the bottom.

At first glance, the hanging pockets aren’t noticeable because they seem to be camouflaged by white, snow-colored legs.

And this is just day one of the new summer fashion. By the end of day two, those pearly white bird legs have turned red as a finely boiled lobster. He’s been sitting in a tractor seat all day, so that’s just the front side. The back of his legs are still so white they’re almost transparent. Now, Mr. Summertime Farmer looks like a peppermint candy cane.

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By day three, he’s got his regular jeans back on. Every time he takes a step, the jeans gently rub his sunburned thighs like a wire brush on a poached egg. But the pain he endures is far less than that of enduring the comments and whistles from everyone at the family reunion.

When I say everyone, I mean his wife, mom and the preacher. So, my friends, take it from Mr. Summertime Lobster Boy Candy Cane Farmer; there is a definite difference between being cool and being cool.

Speaking of cool … My first official comedy album, rightfully named Tim the Dairy Farmer “Farm Raised,” is being released Friday, July 20, 2018. If you would like more details, please visit my website (Tim theDairy Farmer). end mark

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