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The Manure Spreader: Hey kids!

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 06 August 2018

OK, class, I don’t even know how to start this one. I’ve read about a new trend that might make us some added income on the farm. You might be thinking, “Tim, I’ve already tried farm tours, baked goods and scrapping my husband’s ‘spare parts pile.’

What could it possibly be?” Well, don’t swallow your chew when I tell ya – goat yoga!

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Do what? Yes. People pay to do yoga outside while goats are climbing all over them. I don’t know what the heck they are putting in Starbucks coffee and tofu, but the Indians went off the reservation. All of a sudden, the whole chatter of animal activism and methane from animals ain’t a problem anymore.

Listen, the last thing you wanna see is me in a pair of yoga pants. And I know this from the last dance rehearsal I was in, but just because I wear yoga pants doesn’t automatically make me thin and in shape. Goat hooves can be rather sharp.

What is PETA gonna think when Little Billy Goat Jr. happens to snag the backside of a pair of Fabletics stretched like a Stretch Armstrong with 90 psi? When it goes, and it will, that monkey won’t be the only animal that went to outer space.

“Goat yoga is animal-assisted therapy in a natural setting with an unexpectedly smart, social and profoundly cuddly animal.” Yeah right. I think the same thing every time I walk into a pen of two-week-old baby calves that are hungry, and I only have one bottle to feed them with. Social and cuddly to the max.

The creator of goat yoga describes it as calm, therapeutic and just plain happiness. And they said medical marijuana wouldn’t affect us. Apparently, to do this you don’t even have to train the goats. Those must be some amazing goats because it took us 40 years to train my cousin Mark to wear pants outside. They just let the goats be in their “natural state.”

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Again, I’ve seen a lot of animals in their natural state. What happens when you go into downward dog position on the mat and come up with a truly “natural” exfoliating brown face mask? Just an added bonus of being in nature.

Statistics show people who enjoy goat yoga typically drive a Prius, love cats and have obviously never had the opportunity to enjoy roasted goat with a side of mint jelly. Here’s another amazing statistic: 98 percent of people who do goat yoga are single. I’m shocked.

Thousands of years from now, archeologists are going to come across goat bones near the skeleton of a chick in yoga pants. And ironically, by then she will almost be to the size she wanted. BOOM! That was a good one!

So, if goats aren’t your thing, I’m exploring other income opportunities where people can be one with nature. I’m thinking mosquito meditation or porcupine Pilates.  end mark

Tim the Dairy Farmer to release 1st album

Comedian Tim the Dairy Farmer will release his first album through a production company owned by famed comics Larry “The Cable Guy” and Jeff Foxworthy.

The 50-minute album is called ‘Farm Raised’ and was scheduled for release by Git-R-Done Records on July 20th. ‘Farm Raised’ will be available through iTunes, Google Play, Amazon, Spotify and Pandora. To purchase an actual hard copy CD of the album ‘Farm Raised’ visit Tim the Dairy Farmer. Tour dates and news can also be found on his website.

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