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The Manure Spreader: Hug a heifer

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 31 March 2019

When I heard of goat yoga, I thought the tree huggers had lost their minds. I thought there was no way this was real. I was wrong – first time ever.

Well, now there is a thing called “cow cuddling.” Do what? As a fat kid, I immediately had flashbacks to my prom night. Now, my aunt, she’s a lovely woman, God-fearing and goes to church every time the doors are open. But she’s two blue-ribbon chocolate pies on the wrong side of svelte. When she heard about people paying money to cuddle with a cow, she drove off the road.

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If you haven’t heard of “cow cuddling” yet, don’t get mad at me. I’m just the messenger. This is a new thing of paying money to cuddle with a cow, and it is popular among city people who are stressed out from work. Obviously, these people don’t enjoy the types of stress relief tactics the rest of the world uses to cope with stress. You know, things like gambling, drinking, smoking cigars, Vegas and crossword puzzles.

So, basically what started out as a drunken Friday night of “cow tipping” has turned into enterprise. Apparently, people are paying upward of $300 to cuddle with a cow for 90 minutes. What!? You can just call me “Tim the Cow Pimp” from now on. That’s better than $100 per hundredweight. I’ll have every one of my cows washed, groomed and de-loused. I’ll even dry off all the cows for that kind of money – just in case one of my new clients happen to be lactose-intolerant. This is giving me some great new ideas to make money. I’m thinking these same people would also enjoy things like goat yodeling, partying with pigs or even chess with chickens.

The people who started this “cow cuddling” thing say cows have a sense about them that can calm even the most stressed among humans. These people have obviously never been kicked in the chest, chased by a mama cow or tried to put a milking machine on a first-calf heifer. Calming? Sure. I’ll take your money all day long.

Some of the most stressful days of my life have been caused from cows. For instance, did you know a cow can find a hole in a fence three days before a person can? On their own, 200 cows can walk single-file through a 2-foot hole in a fence in less than five minutes. But it takes me five hours to get those same cows back through a 16-foot gate which happens to be right next to the 2-foot hole.

Cow cuddling might seem a little crazy to some of you, but remember the guy who came up with the “Pet Rock.”

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I’m pretty sure this is how the first “cow cuddling” event happened: A person walks up to a farmer and says, “I would like to cuddle with one of your cows.” Farmer says, “Not in this county, you won’t.” Person says, “Here’s $300.” Farmer says, “Right this way.” end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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