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The Manure Spreader: Job interview

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 30 September 2016

 Statistics show the average person changes careers five to seven times in a lifetime. I couldn’t find any statistics on how many job titles a farmer has in one day. One particular rough Tuesday, I was a carpenter, plumber, ob-gyn (cow version) and an undertaker.

RIP Mr. Wiggles. Farmers are the epitome of the phrase “Jack of all trades,” and on some of those tough days I’ve even been called the “Jack Daniels of all trades.”

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As a farmer, I know I have to wear many hats – for the simple reason that every time a salesperson stops by the farm, they leave me a couple of their company’s logo caps. I have so many caps that these days if I’m driving the road on a tractor or in my truck with the windows down and my hat blows off, I don’t have to run back to get it anymore.

Just last week, I saw a deer casually walking out of a corn field and posing as a salesman by wearing a Dekalb cap.

Along with being a farmer, we are all also qualified as a lousy mechanic, terrible electrician, poorly trained plumber, the worst financial planner ever, first-year veterinarian student, special agronomist (and I did not mean a specialist in agronomy), so-so manager, a $4-an-hour welder and the most dyslexic-illiterate secretary ever hired. Good thing we all have great personalities.

Seriously, if we as farmers had to apply for a new career position, the person giving the interview for the position would quit. This is how I imagine a new job interview would go for a dairy farmer:

Question 1: Are you a people person?

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I don’t know, you’re the first person I’ve talked to in days. How am I doing?

Question 2: What can you bring from your previous job experience?

A lot of used miscellaneous parts.

Question 3: What was your last job?

Don’t know, never really finished my first one.

Question 4: How would your last co-workers describe you?

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Warm hands, gentle yet firm. Big appetite.

Question 5: If you had to terminate a past co-worker, how would you handle that?

Well, first I’d separate them from everyone. Then I would look at their past performance, weigh them, check if they were pregnant and decide what to do from there.

Question 6: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Well, according to the Farmer’s Almanac it should be pretty warm that winter so I’ll probably grow some extra asparagus.

Question 7: Describe yourself in ONE word.

I would have to say I’m witty, easygoing and a good listener. I enjoy a good book, comedy movies, traveling and long walks on the beach. I love new experiences and eating at good restaurants, but I also enjoy cooking at home for friends and family.

I’m an introverted extrovert with mid-grade self-esteem issues, and I love cake. I’m the kind of guy you can take home to meet your mother, and she will tell you that you can do better. I have a dog.

So, if any of you have ever wondered how I became a comedian … my career choices are very, very limited. end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and stand-up comedian. Have him at your next event and see him at Tim the Dairy Farmer, Agricultural Comedian.

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