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The Manure Spreader: Mom speaks

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 17 April 2020

We all need to thank the woman who raised us. Whether she was your birth mom, sister, grandma, aunt, adoptive mom, cousin or friend of the family. They always had words of wisdom to add to our lives.

However intelligent or meaningless they may have sounded at the time, these words of wisdom were our elders’ way of letting off steam without cussing us out in frustration. So I’m going to try my best to string all these “phrases of wisdom” together to make one continuous thought. Feel free to stop reading at this point … remember this is a humorous column. Don’t take it too seriously. The people in charge didn’t hire me to write these articles because I’m intelligent. Somebody in the publishing department lost a bet, and I was the prize. So if you know the words, sing along.

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Hold your horses. Wipe your feet! I said close the door; I did not say slam it! You don’t live in a barn. I’m not heating the entire neighborhood! Pick up your feet. Are you going out dressed like that? Don’t go outside with a wet head, you’ll catch a cold. Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you! Are you running away? Let me help you pack. Look at me when I’m talking to you! If you’re too sick to go to school, you’re too sick to play outside.

What do we say? Yes ma’am, no ma’am; yes sir, no sir; please and thank you. When you have your own house, you can make the rules.

A little “birdy” told me. You can’t start your day on an empty stomach. Why? Because I said so, that’s why! Who said life was going to be easy? When you have kids of your own, you’ll understand. Well, you can’t cook it cold! How do know you don’t like it if you haven’t tasted it? Don’t talk with your mouth full. Don’t cross your eyes or they’ll freeze that way. I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out! Eat your vegetables, they’re good for you. You will eat it, and you will like it! Cupcakes are not breakfast food. Clean your plate. Think of those poor starving children in Africa.

What? Do you think I’m made of money? Do you think money grows on trees? People in Hades want ice water. God helps those who help themselves. You don’t always get what you want. Now, come back downstairs and go back up without stomping your feet! Don’t make me come up there! Pick that up before someone breaks their neck. No, I don’t know where your socks are. If you’d put things where they belong, you wouldn’t have this problem. You’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders. Look at this room. It looks like a pigsty! Are your hands broken? I’m not your maid. Am I running a taxi service here? Wait until your father gets home. Unfortunately, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

Please don’t use the good scissors for that. There is enough dirt in your ears to grow potatoes. A little soap and water never hurt anyone. Don’t pick that scab; it’ll get infected. Never try anyone else’s glasses, you’ll go blind. Don’t pick your nose in public. Put that down; you don’t know where it’s been. Don’t eat that, you’ll get worms. Always wear clean underwear in case you get into an accident! You can catch more flies with honey. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. Everything happens for a reason. This too shall pass. You’ll understand when you get older. I just want what’s best for you. You will always be my baby. I will always love you – no matter what.  end mark

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Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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