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The Manure Spreader: Mystery meat

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 18 April 2019

Food marketers are constantly throwing catchphrases and specialty food labels at us like a politician running for office. Grass-fed, gluten-free and cow-fart-free, just to name a few. When did deciding what to eat become so dang difficult?

Recently, I saw a young mother pleading and arguing for 10 minutes with her little kid about what the little guy wanted to eat at a restaurant. I don’t know about y’all, but until I was old enough to buy my own meal, what I wanted or even preferred had nothing to do with what I got to eat. Trust me, being the youngest of six kids, nobody else at that dinner table cared about your food preferences. If you didn’t like what was on the table … too bad. Go hungry! Somebody else was gonna eat your portion while laughing at you.

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Growing up, we had an old, old cow break her leg. So, naturally, to fix her leg we sent her to “freezer camp.” I bet it took our family a year to finally eat all that meat. It was the toughest, chewiest, rankest, stankest meat I had ever eaten. It took three days in a pressure cooker and a half-gallon of ketchup to make a hamburger taste as juicy as a leather boot. As kids, we ate it. Why? ’Cause our opinion didn’t matter. On the plus side, that rank meat made the school lunch cafeteria seem like a five-star, personal chef resort. Tuna casserole, soybean/horsemeat burgers, mashed potatoes out of a box and orange Jell-O (that you could build a block house with) were like clouds from heaven on my tongue.

Well, times have changed, people. Apparently, eating real food grown by farmers and made by God is not good enough for some people. I saw where a company is making vegetarian burgers with beet juice in them so their burgers still bleed like a juicy medium-rare beef burger to the eye. What? It’s still vegetables, you idiots. Like my grandpa used to say, “You can polish a turd, but it still smells like crud.”

Pretty soon the “meat section” in your local grocery store is going to be changed to the “protein section.” Why? Because the new thing among the crazies is what is called “lab meat.” Yes, meat that is grown in a petri dish like a middle school science fair project. This meat is made from stem cells of an animal and grown in a lab. It’s said to be cheaper, faster and more environmentally friendly. And, I quote, “It has a blander taste, which is a fair trade-off to feed people.” Sure. Let’s just chew on cardboard, then.

These are the same people who don’t even know what GMO stands for yet complain about GMOs and tell the world we are being killed by them. So, animal fat, egg yolks, bacon, real butter, whole milk, ribeye steaks, corn, cereal, bread, beer – all the things that have kept this world alive since the beginning of time are not safe anymore. Shoot me now.  end mark

Get Tim’s comedy album or your own “COWFARTT” T-shirt at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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