Current Progressive Dairy digital edition

The Manure Spreader: New resolutions

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 29 December 2017

Studies show less than half of people who start a New Year’s resolution follow through and actually commit to the task. So I’m just guessing ..... New Year’s Day – probably not the best day for a wedding.

Many people say for their New Year’s resolutions they would like to reduce stress, travel and spend more time with friends. It’s hardly ever that you hear, “Spend more time with friends while traveling.” That causes stress. It’s always safer to travel and then spend time telling your friends how the trip went.



Health and wellness are the top two things people decide to change on New Year’s Day. Just like millions of other people, I resolve to lose weight – again. I need to. I just came off a two-month eating frenzy. It all started with a fried turkey, sweet potato casserole and a week of leftover stuffing with pecan pie.

Then I started a month-long gorging of Christmas cookies, chocolate buckeyes (not the poisonous Ohio State type) and eggnog.

Top all that off with Christmas Eve Chinese food, Christmas Day dinner, more cookies for a week, then a New Year’s Eve buffet of food you’d find at a state fair. I don’t need to lose weight; I need a couple of stents. Forget wellness today. I’m gonna wait at least another month before I go to the doctor to help me with that. If he takes my blood today, all that will come out is butter.

Like my mom always said, “Choose your battles wisely.” By wisely, she means be smart enough to stay off the doctor’s office scales unless it’s life or death. I always weigh at least 15 more pounds at the doctor’s than I do in my own bathroom. In fact, if the same company that made weigh scales for doctors’ offices also made sale barn scales, milk tanker scales and grain bin scales, I’d be richer.

Which brings me to another favorite among New Year’s resolutions: get out of debt and save money. Listen, if I had money to save, I wouldn’t be in debt. Besides, if I paid off my debt, some people wouldn’t talk to me anymore. My banker only talks to me because of my outstanding debt; it’s not because of my outstanding personality. One thing I’m sure you’ve never heard a loan officer say, “He’s broke, but he has a great personality.”


So, people, if you decide to change your ways or your weighs (that was brilliant), I wish you all the success you can handle in your endeavors. Just do your best every day; don’t give up. Like my cousin Mark says, “If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your thing.”

Happy New Year!

Sign up for the e-mail list to see Tim’s upcoming “Manure Spreader Comedy Tour” at Tim the Dairy Farmer.