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The Manure Spreader: No thanks

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 11 June 2020

June is Dairy Month. That’s enough said about that. June also has Father’s Day. I don’t want to say farmers are simple, but we are. Why? Well, we’ll drive 100 miles to a presentation just for a hat, notepad and free dinner.

Seriously, when was the last time a farmer actually bought an ink pen or calendar? For you ladies out there wondering what to buy your farmer-husband or dad for Father’s Day, here are my ideas on gifts you might consider.

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Greeting cards are great. Hallmark writes down happy thoughts, then we think to ourselves, “I would never actually use these words in a sentence myself, but it gets the job done.”

Gift cards are great for women. Men can’t stand gift cards because that means we have to shop. “But Tim, there is online shopping.” It’s not the same for a farmer. Farmers like to hold things in their hands and get reviews from a salesperson or locals who bought the product. Farmers need to see how it’s made and built before they buy anything. This is also why farmers would never marry a mail-order bride.

Jewelry – also not a good option. If a farmer wore a watch, then he would have to explain to the bank why his payment was late. If you ever see a man missing his ring finger, you know he was a farmer who used to wear a wedding band. When changing out a battery or trying to figure out electrical issues, it’s bad enough to have the mercury fillings in your mouth spark, but imagine the poor guy who was also wearing a “Mr. T” starter chain kit and a pinky ring. It would look like a human bug zapper.

I understand medical bracelets and ankle bracelets for house arrest. Anything else, however, and you should turn in your man card. The only jewelry accessory needed is a pocketknife. It’s stylish, practical and functional. Not only can it scrape manure off your jeans, castrate steers or clean your fingernails, but afterward it can be used to cut your sandwich or slice an apple.

There are only two types of ties men like. Cross ties, zip ties and ties on a fishing knot. One time, I heard a man say, “I wore a tie for my wedding, and the next time I wear a tie will be in my casket.”

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I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man who enjoyed getting flowers. Matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who even received flowers. One time I heard a man say, “I wore a flower at my wedding, and the next time I wear a flower will be in my casket.”

Trying to figure out what clothes to buy for a farmer would be like picking out new tires for a hay wagon. Do they hold air and roll? Good enough.

As far as clothing, I leave you with a quote:

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.”
—Jerry Seinfeld

Check Tim out at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

 

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