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The Manure Spreader: Psychic turkey

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 06 November 2020
Tim Moffett

Just so you know, I’m writing this article in September, which happens to be about 50 days before the election. This article will hit your mailbox a couple days after the election.

I just want to clarify this upfront to prove to you that not only am I an average dairy farmer and better comedian, but I am a psychic. I am predicting that after the election, some people are not going to be happy with the winner. And some of those people will be related to you.

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So I am also predicting that some of your family will not be attending Thanksgiving dinner this year for that reason. They’re gonna say it’s because of “travel restrictions” – that they can’t drive across town to your place. Or they have a first-calf heifer that’s in labor and needs assistance. And you know all they raise is Holstein steers! (Which, by the way, has gotten me out of a lot of birthday parties, Tupperware parties and helping people move!) Don’t be upset with family members who choose not to attend Thanksgiving. We all grieve differently.

A little history lesson for you. In 1845 the U.S. Congress passed an act to establish just one day to vote for the president and vice president of the country. They established “the Tuesday after the first Monday in November.” Now why they decided to have the presidential election two weeks before Thanksgiving dinner is baffling to me. That was until I read that up until 1844, presidential elections lasted from Nov. 1 until Dec. 4. So, in effect, nobody was showing up for Thanksgiving dinner, and the Christmas get together was questionable at best.

So I have to think it was the wives of these Congress members who made them change the election date. Ladies, you know how upset these women were. They worked for days cleaning, shopping, decorating, cooking, baking – and nobody showed up. I think these women said, “Listen, let people mourn after the election. We’ll give you Thanksgiving, but we can’t have people skipping out on Christmas! Hopefully, by then they will have licked their wounds and want to enjoy some fruitcake. Which, by the way, we have left over from last year when nobody showed up.”

So, that’s my prediction. Thanksgiving every four years might be a little light in attendance, but with the help of eggnog, Christmas will be a hit with everybody. For the rest of the year, I can predict crowded restaurants on Mother’s Day, DUIs on St. Patrick’s Day, and the Cleveland Browns will lose.

Here’s wishing you all a happy Thanksgiving. Whether it’s with friends, family or if you spend it alone in the fetal position, huddled up eating comfort food in your cry closet. Remember, we all have something or someone to be thankful for.  end mark

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Any topics or ideas you think I should write about? Email Tim Moffett.

Check Tim out on YouTube or Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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