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The Manure Spreader: Reverse psycowlogy

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 06 May 2019

As farmers, we get bored easily. So a lot of farmers drink. And when farmers drink, things happen. Amazingly, some of these farmers have made it into the Guinness Book of World Records.

I’m not suggesting all of you kill a 12-pack before filing your taxes, but it might help us all get more creative.

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I’m sure the world’s fastest man, biggest plane or smallest writings on a grain of rice were all well-thought-out plans to be successful. Then there are the others … the records broken by farmers. A man in New Hampshire recently broke the world’s record for the largest pumpkin ever grown in North America. His pumpkin was 2,528 pounds.

Like any current-day news reporter, I didn’t research the actual facts but rather assumed what happened as fact. Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater had a wife and couldn’t keep her because Peter spent a lot of time at the Golden Corral buffet. Last Halloween, Peter arrived home late, and his wife got so mad she threw the jack-o-lantern out the second-story bathroom window, and it landed on the ground in the area of the septic tank and drain field. Well fed by Peter’s Golden Corral outings, the pumpkin grew to world record status.

Somewhere in Minnesota there is the “largest ball of twine” made by one man. The untold story of how it was made isn’t a mystery to me. I know exactly how he made it. Said man, a farmer, was baling hay with a “good deal” hay baler he bought at an auction. Being a true farmer, he also had two pallets of old baler twine he found alongside the road years before and knew someday he would use it for something. Well, the day came. One pass around the field and two weeks of cutting that string out of the old baler with a dull pocketknife. The rest is history. Not only did he break a world record for the largest ball of twine, but every time he tries to be “thrifty,” his wife pulls a piece of string out of her purse.

Here’s a fun fact I found. California is home to the world’s largest thermometer. Ironically, it happens to be a rectal thermometer attached to the heads of most California politicians. Bam!!

A farmer recently broke a world record for driving his tractor in reverse for over 12 miles. To most people, this sounds like quite an achievement. But here are the details, and you tell me. First off, the man was an Irish farmer, so you know alcohol was definitely involved. The YouTube video even says he started his drive at the Lizgrey Pub. Second, he was driving his 30-year-old Case tractor. Case or not, at least the only problem with his tractor was the fact that all forward gears didn’t work. If I wanted to enter the contest, not only would my tractor not go forward, I would have to top off the hydraulic oil, fill the radiator, air up three tires, jump it off with my truck and then bang the starter with a hammer just to start the tractor.

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Kudos to this guy for winning a record. I’m just jealous he has such a nice tractor.

 

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit him at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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