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The Manure Spreader: Romantic dinner

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 06 February 2018

This is a reminder to all male farmers: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Just a tip from your adviser here; this is not the time to buy something for the farm and tell your significant other, “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Go ahead, buy her that electric dehorner, socket set or grease gun. I guarantee that’s the only thing you’ll get in the divorce.

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Listen, I know my audience. So, fellas, if you have a significant other, you should feel ultimately blessed. You were lucky enough to find someone with great compassion, very low expectations in a partner – and definitely not a gold digger.

Women don’t want chocolate on Valentine’s Day. They can buy a Snickers bar any day of the week at the Quick Stop. They want you to be inconvenienced and spend time and effort on that day for them. My suggestion would be a nice dinner. However, the stage you might be in in this relationship has much to do with the type of dinner plans you need to make.

If Valentine’s Day happens to be a first date for the two of you, congratulations. You just found someone who broke up with someone else and didn’t want to eat dinner alone. My recommendation would be to keep it casual, like a Chinese buffet. If she says yes, you know it was a really bad break up.

If she makes more than two trips to the feed trough, ask her out again. She’s a keeper, and your mama would like her.

If this happens to be your first Valentine’s Day as a married couple, this is your special day, my friend. Make reservations at the best place in town. She is still years from becoming that home chef your mom and grandmother were to you. This is your chance to make her feel special – as well as eating a hearty meal that won’t give you the scours.

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If Valentine’s Day is old news for you, meaning you’re a 10-plus-year Valentine’s Day veteran with this woman, don’t treat this day half-heartedly. By now, she wears the pants in this relationship. She takes care of the kids, the house and your dirty underwear.

At this stage, you better hire a famous TV chef, book a two-day spa getaway for her and her bestie, and crank up the Michael Bolton. By the way, she’s in charge of the finances. Don’t “cheap out” on Valentine’s Day, because she’ll know it – and you’ll pay double in the end.

If you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone, and you’re over the age of 80, God bless the two of you. I would recommend eating something soft.

I think my grandpa said it best, “Tim, true romantic feelings are like a septic tank. As hard as you try to keep ‘stuff’ contained inside, eventually you’ll have to let it out.” Spoken like a true poet.  end mark

Sign up for the e-mail list to see Tim’s upcoming “Manure Spreader Comedy Tour” at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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