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The Manure Spreader: Summertime

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 12 June 2019

Summer solstice is supposed to be the longest day of the year. It generally occurs between June 20 and June 22. Scientists say the sun shines longer on this day, which makes this the longest day of summer.

Well, all that information makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Does that mean we can all get more done on June 21? Twenty-four hours is 24 hours.

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However scientists may explain it, summer solstice is not the longest day of the year. Any day can seem like the longest day of the year. Sometimes minutes can seem like hours, and hours can seem like days. You know what I mean if you have ever had to wait in line for more than five minutes to use the restroom at a gas station.

I never pull off the interstate until the last possible minute. Why? Because I’m making such good time driving 90 mph behind this semi truck hauling livestock. Cops never seem to pull these trucks over, and my pickup already has manure on it, so why not? All of a sudden, the semi truck takes the exit ramp. I miss the exit and say to myself, “I really need to stop at the next exit.”

I vaguely remember 2 miles back seeing a sign which read: “Last rest area for 52 miles.” Now, 10 miles have passed, and I haven’t seen another exit. At this point, my stomach and bladder are yelling at each other while my brain is pondering if I’m gonna run out of fuel before the next exit. I count fenceposts to keep my mind off the pain. At this point, a clump of trees off the side of the road would suffice.

I check my glove box for drive-through napkins. Finally, off in the distance, an exit sign. I floor it. The only civilization at this exit is a run-down convenience store/fishing bait and firewood stand. It’s a scene straight out of Deliverance – but who cares? I see a restroom door. At this point, I have to relieve myself so bad my eyes are watering and my breath is starting to stink.

 The door is locked. No! A quick “Curly shuffle” to get the key, and I’m home free. With joy, fulfilment, comfort and achievement, I hop back in my truck. The last time I looked at the clock was when the livestock hauler pulled off the interstate … six minutes ago.

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I have some great examples of when an hour can feel like days. However, I won’t. Because I’m pretty sure my preacher reads these articles. Bam!

Stay tuned next time as we talk about how time moves too fast. Examples of how days and months can feel like minutes. As examples, I’ll be talking about things like, “Is it already April 14?” Maybe a short section on “Didn’t your sister just meet him?” For the milk inspector, “Weren’t you just here a couple days ago?” Or “I thought this was a three-year warranty?”

My friends, remember, life is short. Try not to pass away in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. end mark

Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit him at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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