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The Manure Spreader: Turkey talk

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 06 November 2018

Put on your favorite sweatpants or elastic polyester jumpsuit, people. It’s green bean casserole season. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. Ah, the memories that will be made. In-laws, politics, tryptophan and an electric carving knife – what could go wrong?

History has proven wars have been started from feelings toward an ex-flame or from a heated argument during a family get-together. Depending how well Thanksgiving goes, everybody will get together again next month for Christmas – or for the court hearing. I’m not a therapist or family counselor, but I have watched Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer and Cops.

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So, being the friend I am, I’m going to provide ya’ll with some Thanksgiving statistics to talk about this year at the table. Just helping to distract the conversation away from why your sister’s kid has blue hair, a ring in his lip and refuses to eat turkey because he saw a documentary on homeless turkeys selling their body parts to buy feed. We’ve all been there.

Last Thanksgiving Day, America consumed over 51 million turkeys and one slice of rhubarb pie. The most popular cooking methods for preparing the turkey are roasted, fried and “Reservation for 12, please.”

Ironically, 80 percent of Americans enjoy Thanksgiving leftovers more than the actual Thanksgiving Day meal. The major reason was the fact no one was there counting how many deviled eggs you’ve eaten, along with the fact stuffing is always better straight out of the casserole dish.

Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig both have an 1-800 hotline that starts Thanksgiving Day and continues through New Year’s Day. Records show one person called thinking it was Domino’s. Last year, millions of vegans celebrated Thanksgiving by all sharing one slice of rhubarb pie.

In the South, the most popular beverages of choice for Thanksgiving are sweet tea, Mountain Dew and brown gravy. Whereas, in the Midwest, their beverage of choice is beer cheese soup. Some of the favorite after-dinner activities with family are watching football, watching a movie and watching to see when the bathroom is available.

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No, this information is not Wikipedia-smart, but it might just be enough to keep everybody playing nice.

We live in the greatest country in the world. We have the ability to worship as we wish without any repercussions. We have much to be thankful for every day – God’s grace and mercy. I wish you all a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Gobble gobble!  end mark

"Hey! If you like my column then you’ll love my new comedy album, Farm Raised, produced by Larry the Cable Guy. It’s out now on Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Google Play and everywhere. Or visit Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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