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The Manure Spreader: Valentine’s Day gifts

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 07 February 2020

Well, Tim here with your yearly reminder that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. If we’ve learned anything from the holidays, it’s that credit cards and yoga pants both have limits.

That being said, I’m sure things are pretty tight for all of us these days. So don’t feel like you need to go all-out expensive for a Valentine’s Day gift – unless you’re a man and you somehow royally screwed up in the last year. It’s a scientific fact: Most men do not even know they messed up until two years later when their significant other tells them. You know, now that I think about it, just to be safe, maybe every male should “go all out” for our valentines.

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Ladies, you know that we as men don’t need anything special. Men are just happy y’all allow us to sleep inside the house. So it doesn’t take much to keep us happy. Fellas, here are some tips on what not to do when considering a gift for your special someone. No cleaning supplies, power tools, truck parts or deer corn. The farmer in you knows you can write off all those gifts on your taxes.

But, trust me, come April 15 you’ll be filed under the “divorced, living in my parent’s basement again” category. Definitely do not buy her a Fitbit, gym membership, Spanx, two-month subscription to Jenny Craig, a treadmill or running shoes. This category here will get you 86’d from life. Don’t even hint of this category as a joke. This is “Area 51” material. Stay away!

Another danger zone is clothing. I cannot stress to you how many things can go wrong in this scenario. If you buy her something too big or too small, either way … you have reverted back to the Jenny Craig list. I think by now you men should be figuring out why chocolate is the largest Valentine’s Day gift sold around the world. It’s safe. Sure, she may throw the nasty-tasting ones in the trash, but at least it’s candy and not a hammer flying across the kitchen counter.

In my opinion, I would recommend for Valentine’s Day that you … I have no idea what to get her. I know what not to do only because I’ve read stories and been visited by aliens. If I knew what the perfect gift or scenario for Valentine’s Day was, I’d be a billionaire. I’d be selling my book on Amazon for $100 each or, better yet, writing stories for the Hallmark Channel. This is a dairy magazine, and I’m a comedian. Not the best formula for relationship advice.

I promise I’ll do better next month for St. Patty’s Day. That’s something I know a little bit about. Corned beef and cabbage.

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Have Tim provide comedy entertainment at your next meeting. Visit Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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