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Tim the Dairy Farmer: Milk Zoom

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 07 February 2022

It seems the world is moving to less and less human contact. Everything seems to be going to Zoom calls and text messages.

Text messages are great when you need to find out how someone is doing but you don’t want to commit to a full conversation. That’s unless you’re dealing with a drama queen.

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My cousin had dental surgery. I made sure to check on him just an hour after the procedure because his mouth would still be numb and he would sound like he was chewing peanut butter. He’s a person who always goes into great boring details when describing mindless stuff. Because of my strategic planning, it was the shortest conversation we’ve ever had. Had I texted him, my phone would have been dinging for hours with texts about needles, co-payment amounts, wooden teeth and mashed potatoes.

Recently, I had a virtual doctor visit. It was virtual, but I still had to sit at the computer for 57 minutes before he got to me. It felt strange to put the computer screen up to my ear while holding a flashlight in my other hand and saying ahhh. I tried to show him a rash I had, but somehow we lost the connection. I was planning to send him a photo of it in the mail. But before I had a chance, his office called and said I was no longer a patient.

You ever thought about what would happen if we had virtual milk inspections? That would be awesome. At least then you’d know what time the inspection is instead of hearing about it after the inspector is already in your milk room.

We’d all sign up for that. I’ve heard online dating can be difficult because of photo editing and filters. Smoke and mirrors. Like the pet rock. Like a Bernie Madoff investment. Like a Milli Vanilli concert.

If dairy farms went virtual for milk inspections, I’m guessing a lot of farmers would become full-fledged media production companies. Every farm would have the farm and then “the farm set.” Farms would be filled with actors, props, writers – and every year we would have an awards show called The Golden Oscar Meyer. It’s amazing what you can hide if the camera angle is right.

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In the past, if your inspector mentioned you needed to pressure wash or paint an area – no worries – virtually, you could just film in black-and-white like an old episode of Green Acres. If your inspector ever asked for paperwork, you could just hold a stack of junk mail up to the camera like a politician holding a bill they want to pass: “It’s all here and legit. Trust me.” The great thing about video inspections would be the bad internet connections most of us have. “You must have a bad connection. That milk filter is spotless,” you could say. Even if your milk pumps and vacuum pumps sound like monkeys banging pots and pans, you could hit that video conferences mute button.

Here’s another benefit of a virtual milk inspection – just in case your doctor drops you, you can ask your inspector about that rash.  end mark

PHOTO: Courtesy of Tim Moffett.

Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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