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Tim the Dairy Farmer: Old-timer

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 24 May 2022

When did I turn into my grandpa? He always made grunting noises every time he got out of his chair. Now I’m doing it. How did I throw my hip out of joint during dinner? And where did this ear hair come from?

My eyebrows are growing 2 centimeters every night, and I don’t make jokes about hemorrhoids anymore. I had bloodwork done, and my doctors says my blood resembled pork rinds. The doctor then said that we need to talk about my A1C. A1C? I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought we were playing bingo, then I said, “A1C. You just sunk my battleship!”

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I remember during my teens and early 20s looking at people in their 50s and thinking how old they were. Like, life for them was almost over – and surely they only eat wheat bran and soft foods. Now I’m in my 50s, and I look at people in their early 30s as if they’re babies.

I’m 52. I thought by now I would have become wiser and more mature. Mentally, I’m still 12, but I can’t stand loud music in restaurants anymore. I think everyone drives too fast, and the music I grew up listening to is now on the classic rock or oldies country station. I’d rather watch re-runs of All in the Family than watch the news.

And the news. When I do watch the evening news, I spend more time yelling at the television than listening. And why is it that every other commercial on television is some kind of new drug I need to be taking? I was watching a drug commercial recently and felt like I experience all the symptoms that were listed. So I’ve been on a heartworm medication for a month and my hair is shiny.

I don’t care if my clothes match anymore. I dress for functionality and comfort these days. For some reason, I like polyester. Waistbands need to stretch and things need to breathe. I seem to be hungry for supper at 4 p.m. and fall asleep during Wheel of Fortune. I’ve been eating more pudding for dessert. Nowadays, I always order the buffet. Not because I want to, but they seem to be printing dinner menus with smaller font. Even with my glasses on, it’s too dark in the restaurant to read.

I have an entire drawer in my kitchen full of bread bag ties and keys that I don’t remember what they go to. I now have house slippers and I’m admiring Velcro shoes from a distance. I started collecting coupons and saving pennies in a jar.

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It won’t be long before I’m sitting in the local Hardee’s every morning at 5:30 a.m. wearing my Def Leppard T-shirt. I’ll be drinking coffee and talking about how things used to be to everyone who will make eye contact with me. Keep milkin’ it.  end mark

Visit Tim at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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