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Tim the Dairy Farmer: School lunches

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairy Published on 11 June 2021

I just heard they may start serving the Impossible Burger in government school lunch programs. The Impossible Burger should taste great with the 1% and skim milk Michele Obama made the kids drink.

Why don’t we just feed the kids rice cakes for some added flavor?

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Back in the day, we never heard of a calorie chart or nutrition facts. We ate whatever the lunch ladies put on our tray. In my school, the lunch ladies smoked cigarettes while serving us just to keep the flies out of the kitchen. I used to be a young, svelte athlete until the lunch lady started giving me the eye. She would always wink at me as she filled my plate with an ice-cream scooper. I thought she was giving me extra sides. Turns out she was actually giving me diabetes.

Kids these days might be excited to hear there is going to be a new burger item on the menu, but it will fade. Just like it did for me. At our school, it was announced that Wednesday was going to be pizza day. Pizza at school. Sweet! When Wednesday came, I was the first one in line. Like clockwork, my lunch lady admirer was standing there in her hairnet with a slight grin that clinched onto her cigarette. She winked and gave me not one but two pieces of pizza. Wide-eyed and smiling ear-to-ear, I giggled like a little girl all the way to my table.

When I sat down, I finally looked at the pizza. It was square. What kind of foreign country did this pizza come from? I’d never seen a square piece of pizza in my life. This went against everything I had ever learned in geometry class. I took a bite. What kind of government cardboard, battery acid sauce, covered in powdered cheese piece of pizza is this, I thought. And the pepperoni. You could chew and chew and chew. It never lost its shape or texture. I swear they should make tires out of that pepperoni. I never trusted the lunch lady again after that day. I kept those two pieces of pizza and mounted them on my truck as mud flaps.

So, I wish these kids all the best with the new menu. I’m all for a free market. I just don’t think forcing a product on kids to push a social issue has the kids’ best interest in mind. In fact, this may backfire. To this day, I still refuse to eat a square piece of pizza, smoke cigarettes or kiss a woman with a hairnet. However, as traumatic as that was, I’m still happy to slide my tray down a buffet line.

Just a thought here. But, if during my fourth period biology class, I had just dissected a frog and was watching bacteria grow in a petri dish, I seriously doubt I would want to eat a petri dish casserole for lunch. Even if it did help Al Gore fuel his jet. end mark

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A special thanks to all of you who have emailed me some great topic ideas and stories. If you have a topic or a real-life “it’s funny now” story you’d like me to write about, please visit Tim the Dairy Farmer or email Tim Moffett.

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