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1107 PD: On the Edge of Common Sense: The Horse Clinician

Baxter Black Published on 29 October 2007

The Horse Clinician

“Are you teachin’ him a lesson?” she asked, eager to please,

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As I tried to keep from barfing, my head between my knees.

“You hung on like a wind sock! It just tickled us to death!”

Is she serious? I’m drooling. I can’t hardly catch my breath.

“When you leaned yourself up forward and kissed him ‘tween the ears the whole class just went crazy! I guess you heard the cheers!”

That must be how I broke my nose and split my upper lip

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But I guess it looked like kissin’. “I just love your horsemanship.

“The way you tame the savage beast, the techniques that yer usin’.”

When my tailbone hit the cantle, I felt my sphincter loosen.

“You reckon you could show us how you did it once again?

Be nice to get some photos,” What? To show my next of kin.

I guess there goes my living will, I’m a victim of the forces.

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The way this looks I might as well go back to shoein’ horses.

“It was really so impressive the way you made him load

At full gallop settin’ backwards from a way on down the road!”

So, that’s how I hit the trailer. Think I lost a pound of flesh.

Thank goodness it was rusty and my tetanus shot was fresh.

“Could you show us that maneuver where you circled like a fan

With nothin’ but your buckle touchin’, holdin’ out both hands!

Now where’d I put my Dramamine, it was here the other day

I’m feelin’ kinda woozy … did Ray Hunt start out this way?

I thought it would be easy to be a horse clinician.

Now it’s gonna take a miracle to explain this exhibition.

How I really was in full control, above the rising panic,

Though I looked like the propeller on the back of the Titanic!

“It’s what I call the daisy,” I modestly explained.

It takes a master trainer to achieve what I’ve attained.

“You should concentrate on basics, skip the fancy stuff,” I warned.

Besides, I thought, any gunsel can accidentally hook his buckle on the horn! PD

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