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The Manure Spreader: Fried weather

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 18 January 2018

I know I’m not the only one who has ever waited, waited and waited for a return phone call from a parts dealer, repair person, salesperson or loan officer. Seriously, how do some of these people even stay in business? They always tell me, “I’ll get back with you later today,” or “We should be out there tomorrow.”

Nonsense. I’m starting to think the people I try to deal with have a one-way-in phone line, and they use the Pony Express to get an answer back to me. Well, maybe not the Pony Express – it only took an average of 10 days to deliver a message.

Sometimes, I never hear anything back from people, and I start to have flashbacks to my prom night.

I can’t get a simple “yes or no” answer in two weeks but, in this small town, if there’s chatter of a break-up or someone shot a huge 22-point buck … 30 minutes tops. I think it’s safe to say answers are hard to find, but news travels at the speed of sound.

There is a saying in my area. If you need to spread the word about something, there are three options: telegraph, telephone – and tell Rodney. Rodney has more knowledge about meaningless facts than anyone I’ve ever met. I don’t think he’s ever read a book, although he can tell you the best grass to feed a water buffalo in order to make the best Parmesan cheese.

Rodney hasn’t written any novels but, somehow, he knows how many squid it takes to fill up an entire box of ink pens.

My latest conversation with Rodney has sparked my attention. I liked what he had to say, and I think it’s great news. I couldn’t wait to share the news with you – while I’m waiting to hear something back from the guy supposedly fixing my truck.

Apparently, a new British study says, “Frying fatty foods can create new cloud formations and even cool down the planet, combating global warming.” Say what? Yes. Frying fatty foods makes the weather better. Now I know why the weather is always nice at the fair. Yeah, yeah, good for Al Gore. Maybe we can get some of his vegan friends to start frying up some tofu at their drum circle conventions.

This fried food news is third in a trifecta of food facts that have been debunked in recent years. First, the American Heart Association now says it’s safe to eat eggs, and they actually help lower bad cholesterol. Duh. Second, even the New York Times says red meat is good for the brain and aids in repairing arteries.

And now this. I can’t wait to tell my doctor about my new eating regimen. It’s gonna make me healthier as well as save Santa and the elves in the North Pole.

So tell everyone in your area the good news. I’d send Rodney your way to spread the word, but he’s not allowed to leave the county on account of his ankle bracelet. 

Sign up for the e-mail list to see Tim’s upcoming “Manure Spreader Comedy Tour” at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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