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The Manure Spreader: Real milk

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 11 September 2018

Finally, one in the win column for dairy farmers. The FDA has decided to restrict products like soy, rice, almond, oats and even hemp from calling themselves milk. Hopefully soon, they’ll quit calling tofu bacon and taxes a privilege.

Be certain I have nothing against farmers who grow all these products. I wish them all great success. In fact, since ya’ll can no longer call yourselves a real “milk” product, I’m taking time to help you guys with some new names and marketing ideas.

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If you’re wondering what kind of marketing resumé I might have, as a young kid, I dressed like a railroad conductor with Ronald McDonald on the McDonald’s float during a local parade. Forty years later, look at all the success he’s had.

Let’s start with hemp. Hemp has long been used for making fibers for such things as clothes and rope. Why people would want to drink this, I have no idea. Unless it’s the fact the hemp plant is so closely related to the marijuana plant. I’m thinking an advertisement with an old guy wringing out his shirt into a bowl of Lucky Charms.

The catchphrase would say, “Sure, you can get the same nutrition from chewing on a rope, but who cares? You’re higher than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in a 747 flying over Mount Everest.”

OK, oat milk. I’m guessing consumers weren’t getting enough oat flavor with eating oat cookies, so they started dipping oat cookies in oat milk. Honestly, I didn’t even know these guys were in the milk game. Apparently, it’s made from soaking oats in water.

Here is a “new” concept using the same techniques as making oat milk. Put oats in water, heat the contents to the desired temperature, and we will call it oatmeal! I’m also thinking individual serving-size packages that can be cooked in this newfangled thing called a microwave.

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Almond milk. How do you even milk one of those? I researched it. Once again, soak the almond in water … blah blah blah. Listen, if I could put in a diving board, water slide and give my cows a pool day … and milk just showed up. Talk about nuts! I’d charge admission.

I’m tired of competing with my almond friends, so here’s the new commercial. A cow floating in a pool on a raft snacking on a bag of almonds. The catchphrase, “It’s nuts, but it’s the only way we can honestly call it almond milk.” If any of you from the National Milk or Almond Growers use this, don’t forget the little guy who wrote it.

Soy milk. This one is a touchy category because a lot of us grow soybeans. I’m with ya’ll. Nothing goes better with Oreo cookies than a glass of soy sauce. Soy is already in enough product markets like food, ethanol, plastic and biodiesel.

Seriously though, I did try soy milk. Every time I broke wind, it smelled like WD-40. At least the toilet seat doesn’t squeak anymore. Thanks, soy milk.  end mark

Hey! If you like my column, then you’ll love my new comedy album Farm Raised, produced by Larry the Cable Guy. It’s out now on Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, Google Play and everywhere. Or visit Tim the Dairy Farmer 

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