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The Manure Spreader: Scissor races

Tim Moffett for Progressive Dairyman Published on 05 May 2017

I ran to the end of the road to catch the mailman. Well, it was more like a jog. Actually, it was a fast-paced walk. In all honesty, I strolled to the end of the road as if on a Sunday drive and yelled at the top of my lungs for the mailman to wait.

When I made it to the mailbox, he said, “You look wore out; you could have really hurt yourself. Good thing you weren’t trying to run with scissors.”

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“Don’t run with scissors!” That ruled was drilled into all of us in kindergarten. How did this rule become the one universal rule we should all live by?

Scissors

And how long has this rule been applied to school kids? I’m sure archeologists have found paintings on walls in caves used as classrooms during the caveman times that read, “Engu labla oomba nogisa.” Which, when translated said, “You no run with sharp rock.” I’m just guessing, but they probably lost more classmates to sharp rocks than dinosaurs.

I remember the scissors from kindergarten. Who is hurting themselves with those things? They couldn’t cut paper. The tips were round as a nickel. On a good day, you might be able to whittle butter with a pair. The only thing those scissors would cut was Play-Doh.

In fact, the sharpest edges on the scissors were the holes for your fingers. That was the dangerous part. One kid in my class lost his thumb and pointing finger trying to cut through that construction paper/sheet metal they would give us. His name was Tres.

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They were so concerned about us in kindergarten. Why was it only scissors you couldn’t run with? I knew a kid that ran with a stapler and had a heart attack. No one warned us. No one warned me about the high calories from eating crayons.

Straight to my thighs. I think they should have warned us about the side effects of eating the lunchroom tuna casserole. Still they didn’t want us running with scissors. Meanwhile, the school buses had no seat belts, the science classes had active flamethrowers, and the standard fitness test was climbing a rope 30 feet above hardwood floors.

Don’t worry; if you fell, there was always that red, luxurious 1/2-inch mat at the bottom to keep your bones intact for the ride to the hospital.

I need answers, people. If our elders are so concerned with the quick delivery of scissors, why are we only worried about running? Why not – don’t throw scissors. Don’t juggle with scissors. Don’t roller skate with scissors. Don’t drive with scissors. A better slogan would have been “Only cut with scissors.”

Now, let’s talk about running with pencils …  end mark

PHOTO: Photo by Thinkstock.com

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Tim is a Florida dairy farmer and comedian. Visit him at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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