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The Manure Spreader: Thank you Dr. Oz

Tim Moffett Published on 31 March 2014

“Ice cream should be in your life, too. What’s more, it’s not even a bad or unhealthy food,” says Dr. Oz. quoted in Time Magazine. From myself and all the other chubby farm kids: We salute you, Dr. Oz. Finally, I have someone who supports my eating habits. Who is this person who supports me? He is a doctor and a wizard.

Let’s look at the medical facts: What do doctors prescribe patients after having their tonsils removed? Ice cream. What do expectant mothers eat? Pickles and ice cream. What has been around generations before Xanax?

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Ice cream. Ice cream has been around since the ancient Egyptians. It’s true; I read it on the Internet. Egyptians took time out of their busy day building pyramids to learn how to make ice cream because what else is there to do to relax in the hot desert?

“There is nothing like being forced to build a pyramid to the sun god ‘Ra’ and ending your 23-and-a-half hour day with a bowl of ice cream,” quoted one Egyptian. Thirty-one levels of blocks in a pyramid, 31 flavors of Baskin Robbins ice cream – coincidence, most likely.

The ancient Egyptians even invented an icy flavored beverage after the Egyptian goddess Iscees. A farmer can learn a lot from Wikipedia. Did you know you could edit that yourself?

What can you do with ice cream? Make milkshakes, put it on top of pie – and now you can even have it fried. I’m sure this is why Dr. Oz feels ice cream is healthy.

The Chinese take credit for inventing fried ice cream, but I’m pretty sure he was from the “south” part of China. He was probably making hush puppies and dipped out of the wrong bowl.

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There have been other products which have tried to replace ice cream. Like frozen yogurt, which is just a lower-fat substitute. Sure, in desperate times you might turn your attention to cheesecake, but you know it was always ice cream you loved.

Ice cream is what we had at our birthdays. I’m proud that I live in an America that turned ice cream into a cake. Ice cream is where you went on a first date, where you judged your compatibility on the flavors you each ordered: I was a rocky road; she was a cookies and cream. That is a sundae of love.

Ice cream is a true friend, not just in good times but in dark as well. It was a fateful night in May; I sat in the barn wearing a rented tuxedo eating a pint of Double Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream flavored with a hint of salt from my own tears.

All this because my prom date decided to dump the farm boy to attend the prom with the French foreign exchange student who liked sorbet. Sorbet! Sorbet! Sorbet doesn’t even have milk in it! There I was in a barn full of cows, and the only security I had was the firm grip of a ladle-sized spoon in my hand.

Now I’m sure most of you have experienced similar situations; it would be embarrassing if I were the only one. I learned two things that night. First, ice cream can be good for you as well as be your friend. Secondly, it is very hard to get cow manure out of a baby blue crushed velvet tuxedo – that’s a story for another time.

Three cheers to you, Dr. Oz. I raise my ice cream scooper in salute. I look forward to your opinion on bacon. PD

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