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The Manure Spreader: We’re here!

By Tim the Dairy Farmer Published on 06 November 2019

My grandpa always had a saying, “There is no house big enough for two families.” And that’s why he was the greatest single-wide trailer salesman ever.

He also would say, “This ain’t no Motel 6. The light won’t be on for ya.” He even went as far as taking the doors off his bathrooms so no one would want to stay at his house.

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I always thought of him as a wise man, and recently I have a newfound respect for his ways. This might sound a little harsh, but there is no reason in-laws should ever come and visit for more than the afternoon or evening. There is literally an entire country of motels, hotels, B&Bs, RV rentals, timeshare resorts, hostels, rest areas on I-75 and truck stops you can stay at before you need to stay with me. I didn’t say that, but trust me I’m thinking it.

If you’re one of those relatives who just shows up unannounced or on short notice, here are some tips to keep peace in the family. We need to know who is coming with you. Don’t just assume you can bring Aunt Carol and her two cats. It doesn’t matter that Carol brought her two cats, or that I’m allergic to cats. It does matter that Aunt Carol is a vegan, and vegans get really gassy after every meal. Which brings me to my next point. If you’re a guest in someone else’s bathroom, please pick up after yourself – and light a match or two, for Pete’s sake.

By day two, I scheduled an appointment with my dentist for a root canal. I didn’t need a root canal; I just wanted to be in a happier place. If you don’t like what I’m watching on TV, please feel free to stare out the window. And if you think it’s too cold or too hot in the house … go outside. I know I’m not the best cook. And you’re probably tired of eating venison and ground beef but, along with the other places to stay, I’m sure you passed a few dozen grocery stores on the way here. I think I just realized why family reunions only happen once a year.

Just so you know, I’ve calmed down, and the in-laws have gone home. Some people you need to love from a distance … like at least a state or three. I took what my in-laws said to heart. I listened to their complaints and opinions, and I think they were right. So I painted the house, replaced the air-conditioner, put an exhaust fan in the bathroom for Aunt Carol, bought a new TV, upgraded my internet and even put in a new kitchen. Then I sold the place. I now live in a new, undisclosed location without a mailbox. If you can find me, I’ll leave the light on for ya. But this still ain’t no Motel 6.  end mark

Visit Tim or hire him to entertain at your next meeting at Tim the Dairy Farmer.

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